Happy Birthday To Me



You want me to blow out WHAT?

Oy. Everything hurts me. I'm beginning to have pain in my hip. I've never had pain in my hip. I wasn't even aware I had a hip, except when Dr. Youngblood went digging around in there (remember Dr. Youngblood? Boy, I've been blogging a long time). I think it may just be sympathy pain because Malkie (wife #3) just had a hip replacement, and I love Malkie dearly. Okay, don't start. And other pains that I've had for a while that have been lying dormant have recently begun to rear their ugly heads. I have bursitis and/or a pinched nerve in my shoulder, according to that quack of a doctor I went to a while back. I was never really too aware of my shoulder, either. Both my legs hurt. My left elbow hurts. My neck hurts. The third toe on my right foot, however, is perfect. Would you like to hazard a guess as to why all these things are aching. Never mind, I'll tell you: it's because they're all sixty years old! So my question for G-d is, if You're allowing folks to live longer these days (life expectancy in the United States a scant hundred years ago was forty-seven), why aren't You making more durable parts to go along with the longer period of time that they're gonna be in use? Wouldn't that make sense? So if any of you happens to see G-d hanging around, maybe waiting for a bus or something, would you please ask Him for me? Thanks. So, as I assume you can gather, today the Big Day finally arrived. I spent the bulk of the day sitting around my apartment, feeling sorry for myself. Hey, I'm entitled once in a while, right? I think it was more a self-fulfilling prophesy than anything else: anyone I know who's hit this birthday has told me that it was a real kick in the head for them. Then at about 5:00 I realized that I better start pulling myself together for the Seudas Hoda'ah*. I had invited about 65 people and 48 were actually showing up, so I figured I better show up too, preferably without bandages on my wrists. I couldn't really skip the affair, seeing as how I was the host and all, and also because most of the guys who were coming were really ticked off that I had scheduled the party during the Jets-Patriots game. So I washed my face, practiced smiling in the mirror, called my nephew Mendy to help me with some of the heavy lifting (booze and stuff) and headed on out to Kosher Delight.

* Seudas Hoda'ah = A special meal or party to thank G-d after recovering from a serious illness.