Snot Easy

Hey, if she can do it...

For about 5 months I breathed with the help of oxygen. When I had the trach, the O2 was delivered directly through the hole in my neck. After I was weaned off the trach, however, I got my oxygen through nasal cannulae (plural for cannula). See the lady on the right? That was me. Still is occasionally, when I have a bad day. Well, here's the thing they don't tell you about cannulae: there are prongs on that thing that fit into your nostrils. They're annoying as hell until you get used to them. What's more, they have a tendency to irritate the lining of your nosie. I even had chronic spontaneous nosebleeds for a while. But the worstest part (worstest is even worser than worst) is the booger situation. You see, if you have an option of breathing through your mouth, your nose being stuffed or clogged or full of various sundry foreign objects is not much of an issue. If, however, your only way to get enough air to survive is through the ol' proboscis, you have to have really pristeen nostrils. And of course we all know that whether or not you have boogers is not really up to you. There are times when you can be relatively booger-less, and other times when it seems like you've got enough icky stuff up there to fill a small pool. You know, the kind you blow up. Now, there are four ways to get rid of boogers: 1. Medicated sprays, 2. Saline sprays, 3. Nose blowing, and 4. Nose picking. Medicated sprays (e.g. Afrin, Neosynephrine, etc.) work great, but they're extremely habit forming. Bet you didn't know that, did you? They feature something called the "rebound effect", whereby the more you use them, the more you need them. They're awful stuff. Saline sprays are safe, but they don't really work that well, and nose blowing helps sometimes, but not always. That leaves picking. Picking one's nose is, of course, the least socially acceptable option, especially if one is in a public place. Like on the subway, for example (unless you get on the D train at 50th Street and get off at Rockefeller Center, in which case you'll generally have a whole carfull of fellow pickers). One is liable to be on the receiving end of a good many dirty looks or even nasty comments. And if you're wearing a nasal cannula, you obviously have to remove it before you can insert the digit of your choice and go digging, so it's even more difficult to be understated and discreet. Unfortunately, while I was using a cannula, picking was the only reliable way to make sure I didn't keel over for lack of oxygen. Fortunately, I didn't get out much. I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so...no, wait a minute, that's not what I personally believe. I personally believe that every nasal cannula should come with a little card, licensing the user to clear his nose in the manner in which he sees fit, even if that manner happens to offend a broad segment of the population at large. Or at small. I never understood that expression, "at large" (just in case you can't tell, this is another written-in-the-middle-of-the-night post). Or better yet, instead of a card, perhaps a sign you can hang around your neck explaining to the cute girl sitting across from you that you're not the disgusting human being she thinks you are; you're just a poor old guy who had a really bad case of pneumonia and now must pick or die.