Some Stuff About Me...

A Different Drummer

This post isn't really about my illness. It is, however, about how I react differently in certain situations than would either of my siblings. One of my shrinks once told me that pretty much every family has what she called the "identified patient". In my family, she said, it's me. Somehow I came out a little weirder than my brother and sister, although believe me, each of them has enough idiosyncrasies to choke a horse. Wait a minute; I don't think horses eat idiosyncrasies. But you get the point. Saying I'm the weirdest of my clan is like saying Prince Charles is the ugliest of the royals, although you'd have to admit that George Brett was no George Clooney, either. Now, where was I? Oh, yes, how I'm different from my sibs. Well, first of all, I'm the one that's been married three times. I'm the one who collects turtle figurines (at last count, there were about 500). I'm the one who, when the doctors told me to get rid of my bird, went and got three more. On any given Sunday Vrumi can be found in a white shirt, dark slacks and his tzitzis* out. I'll be the one in jeans. Always. Chayie will go to kaporos* and swing a chicken over her head. I'll put some money in a pushka* and call it a day. The reason any of this is important is that if one were to look at in the context of my near-death experience, one might expect my relationship with G-d to have changed significantly. Well, it has; just not in the usual, obvious ways. Here's an example: although I spent the obligatory twelve years in yeshiva, my Hebrew is quite poor. I read Hebrew very, very slowly. So when I attend services I find it very difficult to keep up with the sh'liach tzibur* and consequently I either fall behind the minyan* or I start skipping passages. Furthermore, under those hurried circumstances I cannot concentrate on the meaning of what I'm saying, so I wind up repeating everything by rote (unfortunately, that's how many, if not most, Jews pray). So I generally don't attend services; I prefer to daven* on my own, except on Shabbos* or Yom Tov*. I do a much better job communicating with G-d standing by a wall, concentrating on what I'm saying. I also talk to Him when I'm not praying. For years I've maintained that I was satisfied with my relationship with G-d. The nisayon* that He saddled me with this year might be interpreted as an indication that perhaps He was not. So, if You're listening up there, just know that I'm trying to make sense of it all. I'm trying to understand what happened and why. I gotta tell you the truth, I do get angry at You sometimes. After all, You have turned my life upside down in the last year and a half. Was it just to teach me who was really in control? Okay, I get it. Now will You please give me back my singing voice? Pretty please?

* GLOSSARY:
Tzitzis: Fringes Jewish men wear on a special four-cornered garment.
Kaporos: Ritual before Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement) whereby the sins of the participant are transferred to the hapless fowl.
Pushka: Charity Box.
Sh'liach Tzibur: Cantor.
Minyan: Quorum of ten or more men, necessary for certain prayers.
Daven: Pray.
Shabbos: Sabbath.
Yom Tov: A holiday.
Nisayon: A test.