G-d Stuff, Part One

Chayie mentioned to me the other day that so far I have blogged only about the minutiae of the day-to-day struggles I've had since I got sick, but not about the big, important things, to wit: why did G-d choose to have my life hang by a thread, only to allow me to survive? Was I being punished? If so, for what? Was it just that He wanted to hear from me a little more often? Was I supposed to die and didn't because of the devastation it would have visited upon my family? Did the myriad prayers uttered for me change His decree? Will the Yankees repeat? The questions go on and on. I assured her that I fully intended to address these very heady issues in the blog, but I couldn't figure out when. I thought I might include them after the part where I get released from Silver Lake (coming up soon!). But now I realize that there is no more auspicious time than right now, between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur.

This is the time of the year when Jews around the world reflect on the year they've just had and, hopefully, make resolutions to change behaviors of which they are less than proud. It is the time of year when all the gates of heaven are open and G-d is most accessible. Our fortunes for the coming year have already been decided, but they have not yet been finalized. We have the opportunity to change any evil decree through repentance, prayer and charity.

When I reflect on the year I've just had, I can't help but think that G-d was definitely trying to tell me something. I find myself telling Him (sometimes out loud), "Okay G-d, You've got my attention...what do You want?" I've discussed all these questions with people I respect. The first one to help me grapple with them was my therapist, Dr. Evelyn Lief. Dr. Lief and I had some telephone sessions even before I could manage to start seeing her again in her office on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. At the time I was insisting that my near-death experience and all the suffering that followed was about my being punished for something. Something I did, perhaps something I didn't do, but definitely something! Evelyn, who is Jewish but not observant, had a different theory. You had doctors telling you for over a year to get rid of Oscar, she said. Your response? Not only didn't you follow their advice, you thumbed your nose at them by acquiring three more birds! Perhaps G-d just wanted to show you what a stubborn lunatic you are! Know what? That actually made sense to me.