Where Are They Now?

Ever since I updated you on the wherabouts and condition of Chef Boyardee and Uncle Ben in a post, I have been innundated with mail! Also, emails, text messages and faxes. Hoards of people stop me in the street. Everyone wants to know what has happened to their favorite food character. Well, it took some time, but I managed to do some research and I now report faithfully back to you, my loyal readers:

1. Ronald McDonald. As spry as ever, Ronald continues to work ardently for McDonald's. He has the weekends off and usually spends them at the world famous farm of his uncle, Olde.

3. Frito Bandito. The bandito (real name Pedro Gonzales) has long since retired from the food
character business. He operates a covert bus service based in Guadalajara, Mexico, shuttling illegals over the border into Arizona.

4. Mr. Peanut. Unfortunately, Mr. Peanut was the victim of an apparent hate crime several years ago.  He was accosted on the street in his hometown of Boise, Idaho, by a group of young hooligans who cracked his shell and broke his monocle, all the while screaming, "we hate nuts!".  Yes, my friends, that's right: Mr. Peanut was assaulted!  The experience was traumatic to say the least, but the resilient Mr. P. has long since recovered.  The dapper fellow now lives in Greenwich Village with his partner, Mr. Cashew, whom he met several years ago at a soiree' at "Oh, Nuts!", a nut emporium on Avenue J in Brooklyn. Mr. Cashew was never in show business. Mr. P. and Mr. C. own a laundromat on Bleeker Street and seem to be quite happy.

5. Mrs. Butterworth. As sweet as ever, Mrs. Butterworth (incidently, her first name is Evelyn) came out of retirement several years ago and landed a job at Hallmark, writing copy for greeting cards. Anytime you pick up a card and find it to be extremely syrupy, chances are that it's Mrs. B's work!

6. Cap'n Crunch. Captain Ebeneezer Crunch was a hero in during Korean War. He commanded a ship that torpedoed a vital port in North Korea and thereby knocked out the enemy's ability to ship sushi to Brooklyn, which ruined them financially, forcing them to surrender. For his courageous actions he was awarded the Cereal Star, the highest honor bestowed on a food character. He now operates a fishing, the General Mills, out of Sheepshead Bay. They go out for blackfish every morning at 7:00, leaving from slip #7. Why not spend a Sunday afternoon with one of your childhood favorites!

7. The Green Giant. The Giant has been quite lonely of late. Although he has never married, he dated Uma Thurman for a while before the romance fizzled. Apparently Uma is a steak-and-potatoes girl while The Giant ("Jolly" to his friends) is a vegetarian, and this put a tremendous strain on the relationship. Also Uma was not keen on the idea of having green babies. His best friend, however, has always been the Giant from "Jack and the Beanstalk". The two have more in common than just their size. They also share their interest in agriculture. There seems to have been some sort of falling out recently, and the guys have not been in touch of late. Rumor has it that Jack's giant accused Jolly of selling Jack some new magic seeds, and of course he was livid! Jolly has asked his buddy Andre' the Giant to intercede, and perhaps he'll be able to patch things up between the old pals; stay tuned!




8. Betty Crocker.  Betty is a lifelong bachelorette.  She has wanted to marry since she was a teenager but inexplicably has never been able to find that special someone.  It's certainly not for lack of trying; she's dated myriad celebrities, from Sean Connery and Tom Selleck to Ben Stiller and George Clooney, all of whom were intrigued at the prospect of finally meeting the woman behind the ubiqitous "red spoon" logo, but oddly upon meeting her, all of the relationships were short-lived.  Now all her prospective beaus understand why the spoon appears on all the cake mix boxes, rather than good ol' Betty's kisser.

PS  Watch for our future updates on Speedy Alka-Seltzer, Tony the Tiger and the Vlasic Pickle Stork!