Browbeaten

Before I begin, I want to make something clear: I have not ingested any hallucinogenic drugs, eaten any magic mushrooms or licked any toads. My eyebrow problems are not all in my head. They are ON my head. So far everyone to whom I've tried to explain my condition either laughs or looks like they're stifling one. When I called Dr. Greenspan about it, even he didn't understand what I was talking about. And he understands everything. So here I go again, trying to explain it one more time, this time in writing. I hope no one from Bellevue reads this blog; I don't want anyone in a white coat knocking on my door. See Mr. Bean over there to the left? See his eyebrows? That eyebrow position is not your average default position. Normally your eyebrows rest right above your eyes, pretty much straight across. That way when you're surprised, for example, you lift them. Your eyebrows are not in a permanent "up" position. Make sense so far? Well mine are in a permanent "up" position. How can that be, you ask? Well, I haven't the foggiest. Sometimes I consciously bring them back down to their regular position, only to find them back up again as soon as I stop concentrating. You're laughing. I know you are. Well, it's not funny, gosh darnit! It's not funny because it actually gives me a headache every so often. Think about it: a part of your body is in a position that takes effort rather than being where it's supposed to be. Don't you think that would be exhausting after a while? Have you stopped laughing yet? Anyway, I called Dr. Greenspan and tried to explain it to him. "So you have an eyebrow spasm," he said. I explained that it wasn't a spasm; it was just that my eyebrows had a mind of their own, and they wanted to be where they wanted to be. "Uh huh," he said. You know you're in trouble when a doctor says "uh huh". Then he told me that he'll be in Sasregen for Mincha* on Shabbos, and that I should show him what I'm talking about there. I haven't gotten there yet. Then I asked my son-in-law Yehuda. He's an LCSW, not an MD, but he's a pretty bright guy and I thought he might be able to offer some insight into my plight without cracking up. "Uh huh," he said. You know you're in trouble when a social worker says "uh huh". He suggested that he hypnotize me. I was game. But the next time I mentioned it, he had changed his mind. So here I am with my rather bizarre eyebrow problem and no one to turn to. I think I'l eventually make an actual appointment to see Marvin (Dr. Greenspan) in his actual office rather than trying to have him diagnose me in shul. I've googled "eyebrows" and haven't come up with anything. So for now I'm in a perpetual state of surprise. Which will probably be appropriate when they finally put me in a rubber room.

Sasregen for Mincha = Sasregen: name of a Temple in Flatbush, Brooklyn.

Mincha: afternoon services.